Diary of a Dark Lord
by Food Fight
Summary: The dark lord has to have somebody to tell his day to! Thoughts from Voldemort, in his words. WARNING: In some parts of this story, Voldemort will be incredibly stupid.
1. Testing Perry

_Dear Diary,_

_You know how they say that platypuses don't do much? Well you are wrong if you think that. So very wrong.._

_You see, I put together a test to prove whether that saying was true. It was a pretty long process. The end result? A cardboard box of DOOM!_

_Well, not really._

_It was painted yellow, too!_

_Anyway, I stuck my captured Perry the Platypus (don't ask) in there, and it went _whiiiiiiiiiiir wah-ooo-wah-ooo ding ding ding dong PING_! Out came Perry. A little screen popped up with the results. _

**STERIOTYPE TRUE**_ it read. After 13 hours and 4 minutes…..STRERIOTYPE TRUE._

_Lots of Love,_

Lord Voldemort

_(Tom Riddle)_


	2. Wedgie Wars

Dear Diary,

Stupid Harry Potter. Thinks he can get away with anything and everything. Wait… let me explain.

I was minding my own business (I named it Dark Lord's Amazing Pimple Cream) and he came flying in, gave me a wedgie, and left!! The nerve of him! Any way, I knew I was going to have to take my revenge.

So I flew into the Dursleys, told them a list of cruel things to do to Harry Potter, and flew out.

Harry wasn't to happy about that.

He flew in, and gave me another wedgie, and flew out. Again.

Thus, the war was created

Love,

Lord Cuddlypants

(Bella's idea. Sigh.)


	3. Melissa

Dear Diary,

I fired Bellatrix. Yup. So if you want to know why, I'm not telling you. Go ask her.

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Okay, fine! Stop nagging! I'll tell you!

So you remember the last letter, the one where I told you that I was nomed "Lord Cuddlypants" ? Well, she came up with more:

Cuddlypants

Kitty Kat

Puffy Swell Up (?!)

Scab

Snookums

Baby Diaper

AND MORE!!!

I got fed up and fired her. I then hired another girl, Melissa. She is prettier, smarter, eviler, and cuter. I will use her for my own…purpouses. But you mustn't get the idea that I am going to date her. Ohhhh no. Nope Maybe…a little….okay, yes.

She is, awesome.

Love,

Tommy Pooo

(another one by bella…)


	4. Beat Up By a Purse

Dear Dairy,

Melissa. Left. Me.

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For Harry Potter.

So Guess what I did? I'll tell you what I did. Uh-huh. (rotates head in an "uh-huh" way)

I killed him. It turns out Harry did not exactly WANT to die. So he became a gost.

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A VERY ANNYING GHOST.

He followed me around everywhere. So I sent a curse flying out at him. It went right through him and whizzed by and old, slightly (well, maybe very) plump lady.

Ever been beat up by a purse?

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It hurts.

With All Due Evil Respect,

Vol De`Mort


	5. Hannah Montanna

Dear Diary,

I felt like a pop star today. So, I became one. I called in Hanny Montanny to show me the ropes.

(AN: sorry to the peeps who like Hannah Montana…I don't, so….)

She had very pretty ropes. They were all pink and sparkley. She said to me that she would show me everything she knew. Lucious said that that wouldn't take very long. I killed him.

Here are her tips, with my comments on them.

1) When you make a music video, always mess with your hair, swish it around, plop it in your face, then shove it away. Finish and repeat.

(Voldie note: that was a little hard for me…I'm bald. Yes. Yes I am. So I donned a wig and became VOL DE`MORT VERMONT!!!)

2) You must always screech and yell while performing. The worse, the better. Never sing at different notes; it is easier to sing at one solid note the whole time.

(Voldie note: This was easy…I don't know why singers make such a big deal out of it. Hannah said I was a "natural".)

3) When you talk, always sound like you have something in you mouth. That was, nobody can understand/critizize what you say.

(Voldie note: This took some work. Fiunally, she got fed up and stuck a tomato in my mouth. After that, she said I made a lot of improvement!!!)

4) Always wear bright colors so that you you look like a clown. That way, you don't have to put up with publicity.

(Voldie note: that was a bit of a challenge because of my tendancy to wear black..but Hannah gave me a doggy treat for putting in effort!)

MOST IMPORTANTLY!!!!!

5) Always be a role model to kids. Show them what not to do, be like, ect.

(Voldie note: What does she think I have been doing this whole time???)

Love,

Vol De`Mort Vermont


End file.
